Late Night Anxiety

I hate when, late in the night, I can’t sleep. I think of worst-case scenarios and they play in my head over and over. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to be doing something. So I’m here writing. Not sure about what, but I just feel like I need to do this. I’m working my anxiety away. I could be doing anything else — I just don’t know how to relax.

I know it’s possibly one of my worst traits, but obviously I calculate my self-worth by my productivity. To be honest, I was going to shut down this website entirely. Then I realized I need some kind of outlet to get my everyday frustrations out. I freak myself out — nothing new. The world is beginning to feel like a meaningless place. It’s really up to me to find some kind of excitement in it. Not giving a fuck is not so easy for me. I’m trying. It just seems like I can find a deep meaning in everything. Currently, I’m 28 and anxious as a motherfucker. I guess I’m having a mid-life crisis.

There’s a younger me inside still trying to live the dream my younger self always wanted. Yet I’m so fascinated by everything that I’m not sure if I’ll ever be satisfied. My fears drive me, and they make me act with such bravado that sometimes it consumes me. It’s 12:34 a.m. and I feel like I just got out of bed.

It’s been a while since I’ve felt the need to write about some deep philosophical memento I’ve had. The idea of death looming over me — it’s strange. I know death is around the corner waiting for me. This anxiety consumes me. It reminds me that I need to live a true life. So what truth do I seek? I have no idea. When you see the world as I do, life feels like a cruel and false place filled with illusions meant to entrap you and make you do the bidding of others who want to take advantage of you. Am I paranoid? No. I’m just honest.

People around me, including myself, wear these masks to hide our deepest undiscovered insecurities. I say “undiscovered” because most people don’t even know what’s wrong with them, and yet they reverberate emotions from a place outside their control. Maybe I’m just speaking for myself, but what I’m saying is coming from a place of heart. I guess there’s more I don’t know about myself than I thought.